Thankful

Hello dear ones-

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts, words, prayers, etc.  It appears that I made several of you cry!  :) Sorry about that!  However, I do want to make sure that you all don't think I'm miserable!
In spite of my frustrations over my physical limitations, I am very thankful for the abilities I do have and for those around me who sacrifice a lot every day just to help me be a mommy.  Being the list-maker that I am, I decided to make a list of those things I am thankful for (in no particular order):

1.  Aaron.  My amazing husband who is also a father, teacher, cook, chauffeur, housekeeper, handyman, gardner, nurse, musician, political commentator, jungle gym, sports analyst, photographer...I could go on!  He not only does all these things, but he does it with joy.  Ephesians 5.25 says,  "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."  Aaron demonstrates this every single day.  I'm really amazed by his attitude.  He's a total goof ball with a great sense of adventure...both of those being very important attributes in our unique situation!
  
2.  Grace.  My darling daughter.  Every moment I spend with her is joy.  Watching her grow and learn and interact.  We sing together and play peek-a-boo and do our special wave and play tug-of-war and read books and go for rides in my wheelchair and do butterfly kisses and eskimo kisses.  I was even able to breastfeed her for a full year.  Even though there are physical obstacles for me, we still interact in so many ways.  I can actually do WAY more than I thought I'd be able to...and have become very creative! :)

3.  Santina.  My faithful caregiver.  She is one of the most dependable, hardest-working people I've ever known.  She shows up every single day, never complains, and is so easy to have around.  Grace loves her.  Santina interacts really well with her.  Santina also gives me room to be Grace's mommy.  If Grace cries, Santina brings her to me.  She gives me room to make every decision- no matter how small.  It's nice.  She truly is my hands and feet.  I appreciate her so much.  She also has a great sense of humor and is a goof ball like me and Aaron.  :)  I love her!

I think I'm going to continue this thankful list in another blog.  I type one key at a time with a stick in my mouth so my neck and jaw get tired after I type a lot.

So with a tired jaw, but a thankful heart, I'm signing off for today!

Here we go...

I have so many random thoughts running through my head.  I'm not sure how to organize them into this blogging endeavor.  Not sure what's important.  Blogging is kind of like journaling, except anyone can read it.  I suppose it's a way of seeking to be understood.  I guess that's what I need.  I don't really know anyone in my situation.  The isolation I feel is sometimes extreme.  That's not always a bad thing- it's just a fact that I have to deal with.  At times it makes me sad, but usually I just accept it.  So in this blog I'm going to be selfish.  It's not really for anyone but me.  I'm going to share my thoughts, struggles, victories, failures...whatever.  If it's encouraging or "inspirational" to anyone then I guess that's an added bonus.  But mostly I just want to write about this season of my life.  I wish I had done this a year ago.  Grace's first year of life was such a blur.  She has grown and changed so much and I feel like we've lost so much time in not recording every single minute milestone.  Her baby book is shamefully blank.  Fortunately, I "status-updated" many of her milestones on Facebook.  I want my daughter to know someday the extreme JOY that she brings to me every single day.  She is so beautiful.  Right now she is sitting on the floor next to me clapping two plastic blocks together and babbling away.  Every few seconds she looks at me and smiles.  I want so badly to get up out of this cursed wheelchair and sit on the floor w/ her and play blocks with her.  I want to actually hold her little toes in my fingers when we play "This little piggy..." and not just say the words.  I want to pull her onto my lap and show her how to put the yellow shapes into the appropriate cut-outs of the red and blue ball; but she has to figure it out on her own.   I want to show her how to stack the rings on the yellow cone.  I want to tickle her.  I want to caress her soft little head.  I want to hug her and change her diaper and dress her and wipe her nose and bathe her and feed her and toss her in the air and help her stand.  I've done this for so many children in the past, but I can't for my own daughter.  It hurts and it is unfair.
But at the end of all my frustration is a profound sense of gratefulness and grace that I have her in my life at all.  She is truly Grace.  An undeserved gift of love...of favor...of life.  God heard me and answered my prayer.