Forgive me, Readers. I have slacked. It has been nearly 4 months since my last blog.
*Sigh* I always get ideas for blogging in the middle of the night, riding in the van, or when I'm having discussions with people. But when I'm actually sitting in front of my computer while Grace is napping, I get spaced out on Facebook or reading a book or checking the news. Today is really no different. Grace is sleeping, Aaron is mowing the lawn and trying to tame the jungle that is our backyard. But today I'm bored. And being bored is a dangerous territory for me. I'm bored b/c I'm feeling like I'm paralyzed. Technically, I AM paralyzed, but I usually don't feel like it. Usually I have a lot of things to occupy myself with. Phone calls, emails, directing Santina, playing w/ Grace. Today there are a million things I want to do, but can't. I want to clean my house; organize Grace's toys; organize her closet; make cookies; do the laundry; fill up Grace's pool; fill up her new sandbox; pull weeds; trim bushes; cut flowers; touch up the paint; take Grace for a walk; you get the idea. I want to MOVE and do things with MY body and not just tell someone else to do those things. So you see...this is why being bored is dangerous for me. I start feeling closed in, claustrophobic, trapped in a cage with the door OPEN, panicked. I start trying to do silly things- like standing up. I remember what it's like to stand and walk and stretch. I remember the feeling of muscles relaxing and contracting...of my hamstrings and calves and hips and thighs and shins and ankles and bending my knees. Reaching my arms over my head and stretching- making a fist- my biceps, triceps, forearms, wrists, palms and fingers. But remembering those feelings doesn't help. I still can't move. I try to keep my mind occupied... at peace. And usually I am. Really. I have a great sense of peace and contentment almost all the time. But boredom can bring this stuff to the surface quicker than anything.
I hate complaining, grumbling and whining. And I hate feeling like I want to do those things. And for some reason when I start feeling all whiny, THAT'S when I want to blog. Maybe it's the need to be heard...the need to vent...the need to be patted on my back and told everything's gonna be alright.
I know it is. Everything is ok. Better than ok. It's actually pretty great. I have a great marriage. That alone is amazing. So many people are miserable in their marriages. But Aaron and I just always have a way of working things out and doing life and being silly together that I think is kind of rare. I also have the sweetest, cutest, LOUDEST, most adorable, kissable, squeezable, and most loving daughter in Grace. It just doesn't get better than that. It makes all that physical paralysis stuff fade into the background.
God cares about me. For real. And I always feel close to God when I start venturing into dangerous territory in my mind. He helps me walk through that without feeling alone. He never leaves me or turns his back on me.
So now, at the end of this blog, I have a profound sense of gratitude and peace. Thank you, God.
Maybe I'll have Aaron get me some ice cream. :)
