I started this blog in 2012 when Grace was a year old, and have successfully completed six blogs, and haven't blogged in four years. So I don't know if anyone is going to read this or not, but I'm doing it more for myself as a means of journaling, and if it's encouraging to anyone else then that's a bonus.
Grace has been in school now for three years. At the beginning of that three years I had all these high hopes of getting back into ministry, speaking, writing, etc. But very very little of that has actually happened. Ministry venues have been in a constant state of change and I'm still trying to find my place. My speaking hopes haven't really materialized largely due to the constraints of school schedules, and my writing hasn't happened for lack of quiet space and laziness.
To be completely honest, and for some reason it terrifies me to admit this, but any hopes of ministry on a significant level have been eclipsed by depression and anxiety and fear. At the beginning of 2018, I felt my depression and anxiety lift considerably, and I was so grateful for it. But through the stress of this past summer, which involved my caregiver of almost 9 years moving away and having to find someone to replace her; my mother-in-law getting cancer and us having to cancel our summer plans to spend a month in the Midwest; and then coming back, starting school almost immediately; and then my dad being put on hospice and then dying, which required another trip to the Midwest; I feel myself sinking again. I hate it. I'm trying to rise above it by staying close to God, but the struggle is very real.
I would love to speak and share my story, but I have no idea how to go about doing that. Where do I go? Who do I talk to? How do I promote myself? Self-promotion goes against every personality trait that I have.
I'd love to write, but I only have very few hours every week of quiet and solitude. And I don't know really what to write or who to write to. I don't know how to write a book or even how to go about getting a book published.
I have a voice and want to use that voice but I don't know how. The longer I feel isolated, sometimes not even leaving the house three or four days at a time except to pick Grace up from school, I lose my sense of purpose in the world. My only social interaction is on social media or for a couple of hours on Sunday morning, or a couple of hours a month with my small group.
I miss working and interacting with people. I miss feeling like I'm making a difference in the world. I miss talking to people. I miss going to meetings and answering the phone and scheduling things. I miss planning things. I miss going to school. I miss deadlines. I miss having projects.
Ugh. Now I feel like I'm whining and I'm now tempted to not even publish this blog. I feel like people don't even read books anymore; they are so attached to their phones and constantly bombarded by messages and articles and blogs all the time, that I don't know why they'd want to read mine.
You would think after being paralyzed for 13 years, having all of the tremendous blessings that I have, and for how God has watched over me and provided for me, that I wouldn't feel this way. Most of me is filled with a tremendous amount of gratitude for all of these things, but the self-centered part of me wants more. I want to feel like I matter to the world. I want to feel valued. I'm so embarrassed admitting that and almost feel sinful saying so. People tell me I'm inspirational. But I don't see it. How am I inspirational when I don't do anything? As I'm writing this I feel like I can't quite articulate what I mean.
So this blog is kind of a test for me. I feel like I'm dipping my toes back into something or some place I want to be, some place I used to be. But I'm scared.
All of that to say, my gratitude for my husband and daughter is profound. They've put up with my mopeyness and gloom for a long time. They are the sunshine in my life and give me reasons every day to smile and move forward. I love them so much.
So if you reach the end of this blog, and have any idea what I'm trying to say, congratulations. If you are a praying person, please pray that my throat would be open and that my voice would speak. I need freedom. Pray that I won't be afraid.
