Here we go...

I have so many random thoughts running through my head.  I'm not sure how to organize them into this blogging endeavor.  Not sure what's important.  Blogging is kind of like journaling, except anyone can read it.  I suppose it's a way of seeking to be understood.  I guess that's what I need.  I don't really know anyone in my situation.  The isolation I feel is sometimes extreme.  That's not always a bad thing- it's just a fact that I have to deal with.  At times it makes me sad, but usually I just accept it.  So in this blog I'm going to be selfish.  It's not really for anyone but me.  I'm going to share my thoughts, struggles, victories, failures...whatever.  If it's encouraging or "inspirational" to anyone then I guess that's an added bonus.  But mostly I just want to write about this season of my life.  I wish I had done this a year ago.  Grace's first year of life was such a blur.  She has grown and changed so much and I feel like we've lost so much time in not recording every single minute milestone.  Her baby book is shamefully blank.  Fortunately, I "status-updated" many of her milestones on Facebook.  I want my daughter to know someday the extreme JOY that she brings to me every single day.  She is so beautiful.  Right now she is sitting on the floor next to me clapping two plastic blocks together and babbling away.  Every few seconds she looks at me and smiles.  I want so badly to get up out of this cursed wheelchair and sit on the floor w/ her and play blocks with her.  I want to actually hold her little toes in my fingers when we play "This little piggy..." and not just say the words.  I want to pull her onto my lap and show her how to put the yellow shapes into the appropriate cut-outs of the red and blue ball; but she has to figure it out on her own.   I want to show her how to stack the rings on the yellow cone.  I want to tickle her.  I want to caress her soft little head.  I want to hug her and change her diaper and dress her and wipe her nose and bathe her and feed her and toss her in the air and help her stand.  I've done this for so many children in the past, but I can't for my own daughter.  It hurts and it is unfair.
But at the end of all my frustration is a profound sense of gratefulness and grace that I have her in my life at all.  She is truly Grace.  An undeserved gift of love...of favor...of life.  God heard me and answered my prayer.