I'm an old lady...

Have you ever had someone try to strike up a conversation with you just to be nice, but they hurt your feelings so bad you just want to cry?  This happened to me today in the check-out line at Costco:

Lady next to me says:  "Is she your granddaughter?" (looking at Grace)
Me: "Uh...no.  She's my daughter."
Lady:  "Oh.  Is she also your daughter?"  (looking at Santina- who is 31)
Me:  "Uh...no.  She's my friend."
Lady:  "Oh." (nervous laugh)  "Oops.  Well, I guess there are people my age who have grandchildren."
Me:  ".............".  (I actually couldn't even respond b/c of the lump in my throat and I was trying to hide my face b/c tears were falling from my eyeballs.)

I don't know why it hurt my feelings so much.  I've taken care of my skin throughout my life and really don't have too many wrinkles.  My hair isn't gray.

But I'm in a wheelchair.  I guess that's what people see.  I suppose when people see a woman in a wheelchair with a baby, it's kind of safe to assume she would be a grandmother.  And I suppose it's not unreasonable for a 38 year old person to be a grandmother.  But I'm not.  I'm a new mommy.

I think it hurt my feelings b/c I just want to be normal.  I want to blend in with other moms and do mom things.  When Grace goes to school I don't want her to be teased for having the old lady mom in the wheelchair.

.........................

After I was injured, at age 31, I really struggled with my physical appearance.  Up until that time I never really worried about it.  Not like some people do.  I mean I wore makeup, colored my hair occasionally, sometimes dressed up...but never obsessed about it.  But when I came home from the hospital and was faced with the wheelchair reality of my life in this unforgiving culture obsessed with physical appearance, I felt like a 14 year old insecure girl.  Some of the medication I was taking gave me acne.  It also made a ton of my hair fall out.  I have very thin hair now.  I had to be careful (and still do) about certain kinds of clothing b/c of pressure wounds to my skin.  Nothing too tight, or too loose.  No back pockets in my pants b/c sitting on those seams all day are super bad on skin.  Wearing shorts, skirts or dresses is difficult b/c the pee-bag strapped to my leg would show...and that's just gross.  My shoes have to be huge b/c my feet swell throughout the day.  And I'm generally colder than normal so I have to dress warmly.  I don't really wear makeup anymore b/c someone else has to put it on me and take it off me...and it just takes time.  I don't curl my hair anymore for the same reason...time.

I don't even know why I'm saying all this, except that woman's comments in Costco really got me.  I wonder if Aaron had been with me if she would have thought him to be my son.  He is, after all, nearly 5 years younger than me.  He's incredibly handsome too, so maybe she would have flirted with him.  That's happened before.

I think I'm kinda mad about this wheelchair gig.  It's so limiting.  I know I'm supposed to be grateful, and in so many ways I am.  Truly.  But there are days when the negative feelings are heavier than the positive.

Larry Crabb wrote this great book called "The Safest Place on Earth."  I read it a long time ago for one of my seminary classes.  In it he describes living in the 'upper room' or the 'lower room.'  The 'upper room' is where we spend most of our time; living day to day life.  The 'lower room' is the place we try to avoid; hurtful things, the past, our shortcomings.  But he also suggests that we don't hang out in the 'lower room' enough, b/c that is where we heal.  We are more introspective in the 'lower room.'  I suppose there is a healthy balance.

I guess I'm just hanging out in the 'lower room' today...and have been for awhile.  Hopefully it will be healing for me.  I miss the 'upper room'.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts.  I'm sure I will get some really sweet comments, which I'll thank you for now.  You are all very encouraging and are all part of my 'upper room' experience.  Bless you.